How absolutely bizarre it is to think that today is my duedate. The day we would anticipate our child’s arrival into the world. Perhaps he would have come a few days early, or even a few late but today marks the day we would be most eager to meet him. I can only imagine the excitement and fear of welcoming our own blood and DNA into this world. Sadly though, the tears have been falling heavily for a week. As the days drew closer to today, my heart seems to re-crumble and the ache grows stronger. Over the past 5 months (ironically to this day) I have been slowly putting together the broken pieces of my heart. So much effort and over exaggerated positivity was what it took to begin to “heal” and it all seems to have re-shattered into a million more pieces than the initial blow. Oh goodness, do I ache. Not from jealousy (which I battle now and again), not from anger (which comes and gos) but from pure, raw sadness. I am sad. Overwhelmingly taken by this emotion that I try to fight on a daily basis. I don’t allow any pity parties for myself, so this is stemming from a much deeper portion of my soul. One that I just can’t control.
All I am left with in my memory bank on my due date is the awful delivery we had to endure too early with no miracle at the end. One that had us isolated and alone in a hospital room to deliver our baby who would be sleeping.
So many questions arise. How do I heal? How do I cope? How can I feel so much like a mother but yet not have a child? Gosh, I thought I’d be much farther along but it feels like just the beginning. This should have been our beginning with our little one but it’s the beginning of rehealing… again. What a nightmare of a rollercoaster which I am realizing I will live on forever. How naïve of me to think “it gets easier.” In this moment it is worse.
Luckily, I have a support system, and I am forever grateful. I have Beau who is continuously by my side. He swoops me into his loving arms and consoles me while also sheltering me from his own heart’s despair. Our relationship has certainly been tested and I feel an unbreakable bond, that grows daily. The best of friends. Honestly, you know who you are, your words have been the positive light that I continuously need to see. You allow me to see a positive angle that I would never have been able to find on my own. Old friends who have reached out and acquaintances who send a virtual hug. Thank you. I know it’s hard to find the words and there really isn’t a right thing to say but the smallest of gestures bring a lot of gratitude into my heart. Your communication means more than you’ll ever know.
I came across these two quotes a few years ago and since then, they’ve been a huge part of my life’s journey. I frequent them often in times of excitement or sorrow. Especially now, they continue to help me see the light. I thought I’d share them with you.
Photography: Lydia Boutet