NOT expecting but stronger than ever. Another little roller coaster ride for us. Although sadness was very present it did not compare to last summer and seemed much easier to deal with. We officially lost our second pregnancy on Monday.
I must admit, I was worried the ENTIRE time. I couldn’t get comfortable to sleep and I couldn’t shut my eyes for more than an hour. My instincts must have been in high alert. I was so stressed because this pregnancy did start off weird. Here’s the story:
I was 14 days late so I took a test (why did I wait that long you ask? because I was sure my body was just trying to recompose itself from the last roller coaster of two hemorrhages, 8 week retained placenta and a bout of double dose birth control). Big fat negative. Every few days I’d take another test. I took FOUR! My last negative was NYE. I took one right before we headed out for the evening. Although I did have some nausea and random vomiting, the symptoms I felt last pregnancy were not present. No immensely sore bussoms, no all day puking…. My body was just confused I thought. I decided to take one a few days after NYE as my period was still no where in sight. It was a Saturday night. Beau and I had just had a cutesy date night. I snuck into the washroom and did another test. It was positive! A very faint line, but a positive line! “A negative isn’t always a negative, but a positive is always a positive” ;). I didn’t tell Beau and continued our evening (sneakily pouring down a fresh cider Beau had just served me down the sink). The next day he left for a 4 day work trip. I raced to the bathroom that afternoon to find another POSITIVE test! This one specifically stated the weeks. It said 1-2 weeks pregnant. I thought that was weird but was too excited to think anything of it. Now I had to wait four friggen days for Beau to get home. It was hard and I did NOT sleep. But I kept myself busy with the craft idea I had to reveal the news to Beau when he got home.
I called my doctor next day and had an appointment the following evening. I’m pretty sure they just added me to the end of the day because they are the best! The usual first pregnancy appointment ritual; questions asked and answered, weight taken and a requisition filled. I saw the nurse do a stick test and assumed it was to confirm the pregnancy but in fact it was a protein level test. I asked if she could do a pregnancy one just incase. She was a bit curious to why I wanted one but like last time, something about having the test from the doctor be positive solidifies things. So it was dipped, we talked and then she looked. There was only one line. I felt the silence in the room just stab me. How could it be? I had two positives on two separate days. She started to erase all the data that was inputed and once she was almost complete she relooked at the test.. a second line was all of a sudden present. We cried. What a scare. But how weird! The nurse then had to re-enter all my data and my doctor came in. She was not at all concerned about the weird results in the tests and a positive was a positive to her. She offered an early ultrasound for my own sanity’s sake to allow me to see my beating little bean. I called as soon as the clinic booking opened the next morning and had one for two days later (lucky me as the next appointments were booking 2 weeks ahead!).
Full belly of nerves and bladder of water, we drove through a snow storm to arrive at the ultrasound (I was NOT waiting for a reschedule). I must immediately state, I had the best ultrasound tech ever! She was SO supportive and very informative with my visit. Usually their lips are sealed tight and you must wait until your doctor gets the results and calls you, but I am forever grateful she was open with me. Well, a bit of a rocky start, she did not see a heartbeat nor did she see a pregnancy. There was no sac, no baby, no nothing. BUT, my uterine lining was so think that it looked to her that a pregnancy was forming. So we were not 8 weeks along as initially thought, but perhaps only 3-4. I mentioned that one of my tests stated 1-2 weeks and she said she liked hearing that. So she concluded that my dating was inaccurate. She said that I may just have skipped my December period but still did ovulate and was in too early of a stage in pregnancy to even see anything via ultrasound (the earliest you see development is around 5-6 weeks). She rushed my file and I was scheduled for blood work every two days for a week (to follow my levels) and an ultrasound in 7-10 days. This would all happen after the weekend.
Well, Sunday came and there was some bleeding. I was sad and emotional but doing okay. As the day went by it was a bit more difficult to control the hormonal emotions, but again doing okay. Monday I woke up early and was confirmed the horrible news. The pregnancy was lost. I didn’t know what to expect and it seemed so similar to my summer haemorrhaging that I was a bit fearful and so, SO overwhelmed. I’ll spare you the details but goodness I don’t wish the experience on anyone. The hormones just take over and the tears pour. Honestly though, I am grateful it happened so early. Although still a very sad loss it just does not compare to the loss of my growing baby Liam and I feel okay. Did I wish it didn’t happen, YES. Do I yearn for another lost baby, YES. My heart just feels like it has a thicker shield over it and can deal with such an early loss much easier. My fingers are crossed we are done with the sadness and joy is to come.
This experience does not damper the magic I see for 2015. I am thankful it happened right at the beginning of the year (and so early into the pregnancy) to still allow a full year of great things. Wishfully, we now have free passes when we continue on. Our odds were ever in our favour both pregnancies and BOTH times we got the shitty end of the stick. It’s time we get some GOOD luck and enter the other side of the equation.
Although this pregnancy definitely has a special place in my heart, it just doesn’t compare to the void I feel for our little Liam. He is missed so much daily and my heart still hurts for his passing so although this experience was emotional, it just doesn’t and will never compare. Therefore it has no way robbed me of all the room I hold for our next pregnancies. If anything (and if at all possible), it has brought Beau and I even closer.
We haven’t lost our smiles 🙂
Keep an eye out for Friday’s post to see how I shared the news with Beau. But make sure not to mistake it as an actual announcement!
Photography: L.B Photography