For the past week or so I just haven’t been feeling myself and my storytelling on this blog had to take a back seat. There hasn’t been a turn of events, a trigger or even a lack of effort to feel happy and be positive; I just feel different. Almost as if a veil of darkness is trying to drown me and I’m in a constant state of survival. I can’t figure out why I feel this way! Life has been pretty good lately. Family life is full of love, Lily continues to put me in a state of constant smiles, photography is growing and we have been concentrating on a healthy lifestyle (working out and eating well). I don’t know if this dark emotion is a form of grieving and mourning that is still present due to our natural tendency to suppress emotions and will eventually release, or if this is something I’ll have to battle for the rest of my days on this earth as my soul is subconsciously lost in this universe, battling to try and find its way home. Gosh loss is hard. This could all be a combo of the winter blues and six months into healing.
What a road traveled, what a longer journey ahead… Sigh. I do feel like I’ve accomplished so much and battled the last months like a warrior. But for some reason recently my positive spirit has been in a major funk. I’m almost in a constant state of floating between positivity and negativity and can’t force my body to land on one (positivity to be exact). This then makes me feel like I’m fake laughing and fake crying all at the same time. I guess I’m feeling stagnant right now and it’s not like me at all.
Currently it feels like a fight. A fight to let in that positive light that does continue to shine on me brightly; but I am determined. I am concentrating on doing things that make me smile in abundance (photography, cuddles with Beau, family time, connecting with some inspiring women on the blogosphere and building this blog) even if it means our house chores take a back seat. Step by step, healing toward a state of happiness. As I was reminded again today by the sad loss of a seriously kind spirited high school friend, life is a treasure.
So many of you have reached out to me in regards to your own personal losses (thank you). Chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies and even full term lost pregnancies have been part of your life’s journeys. How did you cope? How did you heal? I’d love some insight!